I Hate People That Cry Watching Movies

We all know people like this. You go with a group of friends to the cinema, only to find out one of your best friends is a giant walking set of labia. It seems to occur more often than many people will admit to.

As an Australian male – anti-bogan, probably a bit skrawny for my height, and generally not very hard working, I can reveal today (along with those other self denegrating facts) that I have never once cried at a directors scene manipulation or plot line of a movie or television show. And I never will. There is one reason alone for this: THE EVENTS CARRIED OUT ON TELEVISION OR FILM IN A CERTIFIED “DRAMA”, ARE NOT REAL. I know from the outset they are not real. They, while they might be based on real events, are not real, and are generally some Hollywood directors attempt at Oscar-bait and the spotlight.

While I am a raging X-Files fan, the sexual tension of Mulder and Scully as played out over the nine years of the series has never led me to creating some faggy tribute love video like this one. Watching a mere 5 seconds of that video had my penis inverting – and that takes quite some doing considering.

I appreciate a good story, with well shot, well directed and well acted parts. Stories that make me think about the plight of others. And while characters lives may be seriously fucking depressing as played out on film, I just don’t understand what could make an intelligent person cry while watching it. Any intelligent person would enter the situation knowing fully well what they were watching. Some actors walking around a film set, saying some shit, on film or DV tape, that’s being played back on a screen.

Some might say that “the film really worked!”, that it “really tugs on the heart strings” (which is a fucking cliche to begin with). That’s bullshit. A really good actor will have you believing that they are the character they are portraying, and at their worst, be stars of those re-enactments as seen on Today Tonight or A Current Affair. I can appreciate a really good actor by taking in their performance, the thought of crying like a little baby has never occured to me.

The Chaser are the only people qualified to do “serious but awful” re-enactments.

That is why I believe that only a certain type of person is predispositioned to crying while consuming “media” – a person I can reveal to you today. The type of person that would create the faggy Mulder and Scully love tribute video as seen above. The type of person that genuinely feels bad for anothers misfortune, instead of laughing at them as “god” intended. The people that believe anything put to air on the journalistic septic tanks that are ACA and TT. These are the people, that cry watching TV and movies - dumb people.

Yes, dumb people. Because they are too stupid to see the dramatic situation as it is – a dramatic situation! They see it as real. Authentic. They have a severly diminished reasoning center in their brains, which allows them to believe what they are seeing as more than just a bunch of actors on set reciting memorized lines. They see real life! Why do you people think awful soap operas are so popular around the world? Because most people are fucking stupid! Being a dumb cry baby is one of the few things that crosses all gender and racial discrimination boundaries – even big black men can be affected by their own stupidity.

Just look at them. Look at that pose. Immediately every female in the room is welling up. Better get the Shamwow, gonna be a flood on your hands.

And don’t forget, the fact that so many people are dumb means that those dumb people themselves filter into senior ranks in Hollywood. Those shitty people go on to make shitty movies like “The Notebook”, “I Love You” and even much worse, “Twilight”. The rest of us saps then have to put up with every motherfucker talking about how “real” and how badly their “heart string” got pulled. How sadistic a person do you have to be to inflict Twilight on people, like god damn. Awful, awful series of movies.

Those idiot executives are probably part of the reason I hate so much. Fuck them.

Suffice is to say, the world would be a much happier and friendly place without romantic or tragic stories made for dumb people. Someone with one iota of intelligence couldn’t enjoy this drivel surely. Who the fuck goes to the movies to have a cry anyway? I’d much rather see motherfuckers getting blown up and shot¬† and generally being a fucking bad ass, than some actress crying over a cup of tea on a rainy day because her abusive yet handsome husband character has beaten the shit out of her again.

4 thoughts on “I Hate People That Cry Watching Movies

  1. Well Sam for the first time ever you have managed to piss me off.
    I am quite an intelligent person yet I am not scared to say I will have a good cry watching a movie. Jesus I will have a cry watching a soap!
    Don’t get me wrong I do like watching a good horror flick seeing ppl get tortured. But hey thats not something I am going to watch every day of the week either.
    So just because I like a true story or a romantic does not make me a dumb fuck.

    I will agree with you on this – the Twilight saga (movies) suck ass. I admit I loved the books but the movies are full of bad acting, terrible directing, shit soecial effects all in all it’s just plain crap.

  2. similar feeling to vetstar i spose – i know it’s the usual straight out of your arse blog, but it seemed like a pretty personal tirade there… “intelligence” as you would put it, is not even a factor. i’m not talking about someone who routinely cry’s at your cliche movie moments – but there are definitely moments in many movies, be it fictional or not, that if you can’t digest and empathise with, and maybe even shed a tear, then i do feel sorry for you. not so much that i would cry though :p

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