(2015 Sanitation Edit)

Soapies1Look at her trying to smile with all that botox.

In a segment of television rivaling only the ‘talent’ seen in current affairs and reality television – coming straight to you in a convenient “Sorry you’re stuck at home with the kids darling” daytime television slot – the humble soapie.

How many times can you have disasters, weddings, deaths and contrived love stories on one show? They must have a 10-year storyline layout or something that they just keep looping over and over again with different characters. It’s also the fact they are written for two year olds. The whole idea behind soapie dialog is to reinforce an idea or whatever, eg: “Oh so you got an A+ good work!”, “Yeah I totally got an A+ at school”, “Wow congratulations on the A+”. I mean, I’m pretty lazy but even I don’t really like copying myself over and over. I mean I’m pretty lazy but I don’t really like copying myself over and over. The shows storylines move so slow that you can miss weeks and still know what’s going on.

What about the actors? If you’ve ever endured the magnificence of television known as ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’, you know. American soapies are, in my opinion, much much worse than the usual Home and Away and Neighbours-level bullshit. Mostly produced in Hollywood, they are full of the most steroid laden, plastic surgery and botox-altered people ever committed to standard-def tape.

The Australian soaps are great because Australian actors look like shit simply due to the accent.

Soapies2He was chosen for his ‘acting ability’.

Bored stay-at-home mums and these shows go hand in hand. I feel sorry for the people that get sucked into this shit. If you don’t have Foxtel you don’t really have many options during daytime TV, especially if you’re looking after kids. I mean, you can sit there and watch Ellen dance around her set – because I’m pretty sure that’s all she does – or commit suicide I suppose.

It’s not even just the full combination of bad acting and horrible story lines that I hate either – it’s the fact that they actually make and market weekly magazines to push the storylines on these shows as if they are current news and are life altering facts that you need to know. NOW! If I don’t buy the magazine, how else will I find out that John’s marriage to someone that turns out to be his second cousin in the outback of Victoria in the middle of a raging summer bushfire would have a shocking conclusion other than “they all died”! Also his second cousin/bride to be had swine flu and was a lesbian! Holy shit!

I’d rather die than write a soap.

Soapies3

Kudos to any actors who’ve started on shitty soapies and actually managed to make a successful career for themselves, because most just fade into the obscurity abyss like Big Brother contestants.

There should be a charity specifically for these mothers that desperately need the DVDs of another show to watch to help break the cycle of addiction!

Yes! I’ll start it right now! You can help them today by donating care of my postal address. Cash, cheque, good DVDs to watch, I take ever… I mean the charity takes everything…

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