Excuse me while I look at your hand and tell you whatever you look like you want to hear.

As we venture through life we are eventually presented an opportunity to either embrace or give the finger to a bunch of ‘hippy ideals’, including some religions and other positive spiritual bullshit like fortune telling, star-signs and palm reading. Guess what I chose to do.

The idea of having someone tell you what’s going to happen to you in the future either by reading your palms or just imagining it off the top of their head is just ludicrous to me. Sure, things they made up on that day can happen… coincidently. But let’s look at the facts here; you paid someone to tell you what you want to hear. Fortune tellers are but one of a dozen different paid forms of promises: “find out what will happen to you in the future” type bullshit. They all run under two common ideas: greed and helplessness. Their greed, and your helplessness.

As soon as you walk into a place like that they read you and your body language and they generate a response based on that. There is no ‘mind reading’ or ‘future telling’ to it. They especially play off anything you give them too, like a death in the family or anything like that. That’s what you pay them to do, and that’s their job.

Then there’s the hardcore spiritual people that actually believe dribble about ‘inner-being’ and some bullshit about energy in the universe and how it interacts with people. Whether they are high all the time when they believe this is a separate argument, all I know is this isn’t Star Wars, ‘the force’ doesn’t exist and shit happening in your life is not pre-determined by some all powerful energy or by the will of someone else. Here I’ll hand you this fork, bend it for me RIGHT NOW. Oh, you can’t manipulate the ‘universal energy’, you can only be influenced by it? Go take a few more hits from the bong you idiot.

You can sit there and wait your whole life for whatever it was this paid professional liar told you was going to happen, or you can go out and choose the path you want to take.

And what about the zodiac and star sign believers? Okay so Saturn’s in my third lower house and Venus’s gravitational force is changing the Earth tides so that means my favourite colour today is green and my lucky number is six. Excuse me while I go put a $1000 bet on my ‘lucky number’ for the day…

Hello we’re here to… *slams door*

WHAT!? NUMBER SIX DIDN’T WIN?!?!? I’M CALLING MY LAWYER, THIS IS BULLSHIT, HOW CAN YOU PRINT WHAT ISN’T TRUE?!?!?! What an absolute pile of shit. Anyone that believes star signs are anything but a complete work of fiction are either medically-certified retarded or are some of the most gullible people on the planet. If you won a bet today with your lucky zodiac number off your star sign, IT WAS A COINCIDENCE.

Religion and spirituality are like surrogate twins. Cute, but ultimately unthreatening. While the Bible may have some good ideas like ‘treat others as you expect to be treated’, the rest is all BS. I don’t know how potent their wine was back in the day, but suffice is to say they were probably inhaling it. Imagine all the variables in keeping a story accurate over 2000 years, especially hungover all the time.

I can understand and accept people having certain beliefs to get them through their life, but it’s the blind fanatical believers I can’t stand. Those same ones that get out their black and whites with a clipboard and start door knocking to share the message of Jesus Christ. Those same believers that decorate their entire house with God and Jesus shit and then drive around in their cars plastered with bible passages, blasting awful Hillsong music on their radio. Nothing is written; don’t quote me a bible passage, because anything that happened is a coincidence.

There’s a reason Scientology works so well as a money making scheme. Religions are tax exempt all over the world. Put two and two together.

If someone could prove to me with evidence that there exists an all powerful being and that we are here with some sort of external force controlling our lives, then I’d believe some of this shit. Until then it’s all fiction. Stop paying money to quacks to get some reassurance that your life won’t continue to be shit, you can just look at someone else’s shitty life to get that. And it doesn’t cost anything!