Australia Day. It doesn’t get anymore pompous than naming an entire day as a public holiday to celebrate being a citizen of a country. Just a mere mention of the day sends shivers down spines, for it is the biggest day of the year for a certain selection of Australians. A special breed, the likes of which get to express themselves in the run-up to this special day by snapping up everything with an Australian flag on it.

Who’s priorities in life include “getting fuckin’ wasted!”, driving hotted up Holden Commodore’s (burn-outs mandatory), being racist, wearing alcohol branded clothing and rioting with a flag draped around their necks – The Bogan. Sure, I’ve written about bogans before, but I’ve failed to mention their most sacred day. Which is convenient given the date, but I digress;

On this holiest of holy days, bogans are out in unbelievable numbers. All of a sudden people you knew as kind and normal people, suddenly descend into a decadent wasteland of XXXX/VB/Toohey’s and shitty promo clothing won at their local watering hole. It’s as if a mere mention of the day brings out and amplifies even the smallest amount of bogan in a person. Coming straight out of Target with an Australia flag draped esky, the bogan is not afraid to rub their patriotism in your face as obnoxiously as possible.

“‘av a rum mate. Do it or I’ll punch your fuckin’ head in.”

If you don’t fit their image of a “true blue Aussie” shouting patriotic bogan bullshit like “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi” then you’re pretty well getting your head smacked in. Don’t feel that a Southern Cross tattoo is in anyway appropriate? Or you have no display of a Southern Cross of any sort anywhere, either on you or your vehicle? Getting your head smashed in.

Due to the day being a public holiday, bogans are out in numbers. Bogans + numbers + rum = violence. As with any pack animal, The Bogan, fuelled by alcohol and the hot summer sun, are enraged by any perceived interruption to the celebration of their most important day. This includes them merely discovering the fact that you just don’t give a shit about the day at all. You either have to act to fit in, or stay home. If you venture out and don’t act like you’re enjoying the day with a zinc Southern Cross drawn on your face, you’re probably going to die.

Hope you aren’t an immigrant either. Bogans go hand in hand with racism these days apparently.

By far the worst part of the whole event for a regular Australian, is having to put up with the lavish displays of nationalist bogans everywhere. The first target of choice is always the car, as it’s the easiest and most overtly visible to everyone. Last year a fad started amongst bogans that included sticking a shitload of cheap Australian flags to the sides of cars (which appears to be continuing into the new decade). While nice and colourful, seeing a Japanese built Land Cruiser ute with two full size flags and 12 smaller ones hanging off it is just a little bit overboard.

While it’s just another day of the week, and a day off for most, the bogan percentile in the population temporarily increases like a virus growing in your body – quick and aggressively. Making life difficult for those of us that just want to enjoy a nice cold beer on a government designated public holiday. A real Australian should enjoy chucking a sickie in the days before a public holiday to have an extended weekend, not dressing up their homes and cars in shit or getting Southern Cross’s tattooed all over them.

Go forth, enjoy your barbecues! But for christ’s sake keep the overboard redneck patriotism bullshit out of it. It’s ridiculous.