Dear Neighbour,

While I do appreciate that everyone has a right to own a pet and enjoy the benefits of mutual love and affection, I’m not sure about yours.

Daily, most of the time when you are not at home but sometimes even then, your lovely dog will bark. Continuously, for hours and hours. Whilst I’d love to sit here, write and then print a book that would be as thick as a ream of paper containing all of the times your dog has barked, I consider it wholly unnecessary and figure a one sheet letter should suffice.

If you could chart the effect of each hour of barking on my stress level while I’m at home, it would probably resemble a line as high as Mt Everest. Those several weeks of rain we had were particularly bad for your pet and my own sanity. Audible howls were heard by the hour. And that dear neighbour, is why I’m writing this letter.

This is a happy dog.

Let me be blunt – your dog is very annoying. As quite a large dog, he has a billowing bark that echoes around the entire neighbourhood. As such I don’t blame your dog. It’s not his fault that he’s a large dog locked in a backyard he is clearly not happy with. Dogs bark for a variety of reasons – spoilt and wanting attention, because they want to, or because they are unhappy. Your dog is the latter.

Large dogs have an expectation of being exercised every so often as a kind of escape from their old boring homes. In that sense they are like people – imagine what would happen to your mental state if you were locked in your home for weeks on end with no way out. I believe this is happening to your dog.

Without assigning blame to anyone, I’d like to present a solution that will benefit all parties – please walk your dog. Most people have weekends off or a few hours here or there that could be assigned to walking their dog. I figure you must have the same. Even just once a week would make a huge difference I’m sure.

This is also a happy dog.

Like a criminal in solitary confinement, confined dogs need room to breathe once in a while. Please allow your dog to do the same, as it will reduce the stress levels of all of your neighbours within 500m to negligible levels, and award your dog brighter outcomes. He will be happy! And happy dogs mean happy neighbours!

I don’t care if he barks because he is excited that you are home, I care if he barks for no reason other than boredom or the desire to leave his concrete jungle for 30 minutes, as it is an unnecessary and avoidable source of stress.

So please, dear neighbour, heed my words and walk your dog! He’ll be happier, we’ll be happier, and you’ll get an excuse to do some exercise a few times a week!

Sincerely,

Concerned Neighbour

This is their dog.


Their dog is a lovely, if poorly looked after Alsation that sits in a backyard that literally has little to no grass in it. As for the lesson in this today? Be as direct as possible, without revealing yourself, in your passive aggressive anger towards your neighbours. Instead of just having a Today Tonight story-esk huge neighbourhood war, just passively aggressively state your problems to your neighbour through a blog they won’t read. It might make them reconsider being inconsiderate assholes.

Then again it may not.

If I’ve tried to teach anyone anything, it’s the art of plausible denial. If they can’t 100% pin it to you, whatever it is, then it can be denied! Always remember that.

Advertisements