(2016 Sanitation Edit)

The best kind of Mac. One that’s not working.

It was a Thursday night. My overall feeling was pretty good, having had an easy day relaxing. As I sat at home I realized that the current position in time dictated that there was indeed late night shopping. Aghast at that realization, an old friend suggested that we should partake in the Thursday night shenanigans and stroll the local shopping complex forthwith, pretending like teens that we actually knew what we were doing there.

Who am I to argue? I had nothing of substance to do at home anyway apart from stealing cars, beating up hookers and then stealing their money (in the multi-million copy-selling video game title Grand Theft Auto for those of you playing at home). I rose up off the couch and took to the front door with gusto. As I slipped on my shoes and walked out the door, thoughts of items that I absolutely did not need but would probably part with funds to purchase anyway, crossed my mind. These thoughts continued as I drove across town to my friends house through the haze of a hot Queensland afternoon and it’s particularly awful drivers.

Dodging several near accidents, I eventually made it to my friends house, at which point we set forth on the epic journey two kilometres down the road to Chermside shopping centre. That drive was much less eventful as I managed to get there without getting snapped by a covert speed camera or hitting any pedestrians. My mood remained reasonable.

A quality product. With a serious design flaw.

Eventually I got a park on the roof, and we set forth inside to battle with teens that had no supervision and bogans with no shoes on to possibly find myself some retail savings on items I most certainly should not purchase. Despite the long winded setup and description of events, it was mostly tame up to this point with us having a conversation while I kicked some kid off the demo console of Guitar Hero they had setup. Little did we know of what was to come next.

My friend had in his possession an Apple store credit because of a problem they had rectified earlier. He suggested that we make tracks to the most smug store in town to exchange said credit into something… more substantial. I had some idea of what I was walking into straight off the bat, and could deal with the smugness of the Apple store for a short time using my “Anti-smug” breathing apparatus, so I had no problems there. As we got closer to the store I had an inkling something was off. Something didn’t feel right, but I ignored it and continued forth.

For my friend.

In very little time we reached the Apple store and the smug was almost overwhelming. The excitement and enthusiasm of the door person as he greeted us with “Hello!” almost made me pass-out, but I pushed through. Once inside the store we messed around looking at various items being sold at values substantially higher than any reasonable man would pay having looked at the competition (ie, anyone else), until my friend had made a choice regarding his credit voucher. As my “Anti-smug” canister was soon to expire, I insisted that we make tracks out immediately or risk permanent exposure to which there was no cure… smugitis.

He agreed and with his $100 iTunes voucher, we moved to the counter where we were greeted by another excruciatingly smug and happy employee. The mans every word was almost… intolerable… but I resisted the smugness with all of my strength. I knew it wouldn’t be much longer and was happy to finally be getting out of there.

Then the impossible happened…

The Apple Clap.

I’d heard rumours of it’s existence before – An attack of smugness so powerful that even the hardest of people would be blown away by it. Impossible! Whatever it was, I was sure I could resist it… but then it happened… IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Someone had bought a Macbook. The salesman was the first to react to having finalized a sale of something so expensive it could actually blast somebodies face clean off if they saw it on their credit card statement. This is what happened:

“Alright!!! Congratulations!!!”. The salesman starts clapping and cheering. Immediately the rest of the room joins in. All of them. All of those smug Apple users, numbering at least twenty. Clapping… cheering… whistling… at this innocent ladies Macbook purchase.

I am not joking. This actually happened. At the Apple Store. At Chermside.

This is the Chermside store grand opening where they applauded themselves for opening, and then for each customer that bought a Macbook. This actually happened.

Suddenly it felt as if the room was expanding reminiscent of the universe spreading out. With every clap my friend slipped further away into a dark void of nothingness. My vision was blurred, my “Anti-smug” canister depleted… I thought that was it. That was going to be it for me and my whole life. Killed by a level of smugness higher than even the greatest ganja could make you… at an Apple store.

With each heartbeat and each clap of the smug Apple employees, I struggled to maintain my breathing levels. I felt as if I was going to pass out with an overwhelming air of awkwardness.

As they continued to cheer and shout, the staff severely outnumbering customers in the store, my friend and I looked at each other in horror. What were we witnessing? Was this actually happening? We couldn’t believe our eyes that this smugomenon even existed. It was so overpowering that it probably sent shockwaves throughout all the nearby stores. So many innocent people could have been effected by the smugami and drawn to the Apple store henceforth like a magnet… A SMUGNET! It’s not like you can run away from that shit, it’s pull is far too strong for a mortal man or woman to fight!

Eventually the clapping and cheering subsided and we were all brought back to Earth. As I gasped for breath, I saw that the poor woman stupid enough to purchase a Macbook was clearly embarrassed, and if her credit card statement hasn’t scared her away forever, the clapping sure as hell would have.

Tonight I witnessed employees of an international company applauding a customer for purchasing from them. If that isn’t enough to rape your mind and stop you from ever buying from Apple again, I don’t know what is. I think it’s highhandedly the smugest action I have ever seen, and the fact they actively force encourage their employees to do it (I’m not joking they literally all clapped – the look on some of their faces was funny though) just makes it worse. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being annoyed by staff at a store or even just singled out anywhere. I sure as hell wouldn’t want that in a Mac store.

Apple, you sicken me. Your phones are okay though.

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