Dear Neighbour,

Let me start off by telling you about some of the things I enjoy in my life:

∙ The company of friends

∙ The company of “special friends” (however lacking they may be of late)

∙ Quiet mornings

∙ Walks in the park

Well actually, that last one is a lie, but I felt like I needed a comedy option there. Hope you laughed. If you didn’t I guess it’s a little bit awkward now, not much I can do there.

Anywho, I recently noticed that you have purchased or come into possession of a fine Shitzu-based or equivalent canis (or dog for those playing at home). One of those cute fluffy little ones, kind of like the one that the great Paris Hilton might carry around in her handbag.

That’s great! I love dogs! I’ve had them in my life frequently since I was a very young child. In many ways dogs are a fantastic addition to the family! They are great as companions for adults, and provide an ample distraction for the kids while you’re away with the bedroom door locked doing “adult stuff” or whatever else it is you need to get done in a particular segment of the day.

They also provide an illusion of security for a property and family regardless of the fact that, being domestic, they are probably harmless. Shitzu’s with “GUARD DOG” winter jackets on aside, there is a reason for this story.

Given that you already clearly know about the benefits of dog ownership, because you own one, let me inform you about the negatives. “Oh, negatives?” you ask perplexed. Yes, negatives. And I’m letting you know because it’s quite obvious every morning and afternoon that you are either blissfully unaware or just don’t care about them.

Your dog barks. Every morning. Every night.

Generally early in the morning (I’m assuming that’s when you leave and hence, lock it out), and late in the afternoon (I’m assuming that’s when you’ve gotten home and hence, still haven’t let it in). I could sit here and blissfully write for pages and pages some sob story about how I work nights and really enjoy getting my sleep in the mornings bark-free, but I figure this drawn out story should be sufficient.

“…look, at the end of the day, I ain’t guardin’ shit. Now where’s my ‘My Dog Gourmet Dinner’!?”

I know it’s not easy, man. The little dog is a pain to control, and when it doesn’t get its way, barking is how it responds. At this point you generally have two choices: The first being that of proper training. Teach your dog that it’s not okay to bark for hour-long sessions. Failing that, bark collar. The second choice being the same one my mother chose. Ignorance. Just totally ignore it and act as if it’s not there pissing off all the neighbours. Or even just the others in your house.

I’m here today to recommend the first option as it will ensure a nice outcome for you, your family, and your newly happy neighbours, who are no longer distracted by the aurial excretions of your new family member. I’m not one of those pain in the arse council complainers, because, who has time for that? Writing letters is far more entertaining anyway.

The only reason I’m writing to you is because it’s barking is often so prolonged that you are obviously just ignoring it or aren’t home to know about it. My mother has a similar dog, trust me when I say I know what they’re like. Like a forgotten relative or neglected offspring, you soon find they become extremely needy. Anyway, I find it pretty hard to ignore and I’m not even that close to you.

“I’ll tell you one thing, your shoes are sure as fuck ‘feeling the force’ when we get home.”

Just imagine how the neighbours left or right of you are seething. Bottling all that anger inside until one day they just can’t take it anymore… Like Adriana Xenidies’ unfortunately medical condition (I guess she’s spinning letters in heaven now…), their anger grows and grows until one day poor Muffin’s head is spiked on a picket fence…

Baseless animal cruelty threats aside (no I’m not going to hurt your dog, jeez), I’ve written you this letter to ask kindly if you could please try and keep your dog from barking for so long in the mornings and afternoons. Throw it a steak or something. Wait don’t do that, it’ll probably make it worse… Oh well, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

I’m also sure I’m not the only one that would appreciate it.

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Neighbour