(2015 Comment: 22-year-old problems.)

In life (I seem to be very philosophical lately) everything has a pairing. There’s an equal and opposite reaction to everything that is, and everything that happens. Given that, the society we have constructed for ourselves over a hundred years is seemingly geared towards pairs – two people, generally of opposite gender, that are together. Unfortunately somewhere along the line, just like a lonely old sock that’s lost it’s mate somewhere in your impossibly large washing basket, sometimes people are alone.

Outcast and single. Just like the last bread-roll at the dinner table no one wants to eat. Just like the reject in your school lunch group. Just like the person running after the fully-loaded train that’s leaving them on the platform. Whatever you like to call it; the fact is not everyone’s in a convenient coupling.

A single sock is a lonely sock. Always remember that.

“But Sam”, you probably aren’t interjecting, “…being single is so good!”. Well, while it does have many benefits including: being a slob, the allowance to leave a pile of dishes, the allowance to do whoever, whatever and wear or not wear whatever you want – being single also has a multitude of negatives. Writing as a certified long-term bachelor, bottoming out on the list, being single sucks. Company can be nice to have but it’s not critical. Sure, I can do whatever I want without thinking of anyone else. Alas, I give a shit not of these things. My primary irritation with being single is shopping for myself.

Doing your shopping generally sucks and food shopping for singles especially, is terrible. Portions are typically either geared for couples or families. If you’re single you’re out of luck because retailers and product manufacturers are boosting their bottom lines with your lonely and depressing BACHELOR DOLLARS. That’s right Mr/Ms Disposable Income, you’re about to get shafted by consumerism.

Just when you thought the Australian Federal Government was fucking you, the single worker, by not giving you tax breaks similar to your committed friends.

Walking down the aisle for you has a whole new meaning, and a whole new alternative financial commitment. Instead of the aisle being one of white wedding dresses, black tuxedos and eventually one of crushed dreams, scattered belongings and broken families; going down the aisle for a single means getting shafted by a figurative financial broomstick. All nice and prison-sensual like.

Nary a supermarket caters for boring old bachelors and bachelorettes. It’s all “mega-pack” this and terrible “multi-pack” that. No one gives a shit about how expensive it is for a single to just cook him or herself a meal! Sure, I could buy all of the raw ingredients and cook a nice Thai curry, but when you can’t buy any fresh, single person servings that last longer than three days, you just end up throwing the wasted shit out!

“But Sam”, you probably still aren’t interjecting, “why don’t you just cook a big batch!”. Oh okay no problem I’ll just eat the same damn meal over and over again until it all runs out! After a while you get sick of the same thing over and over. I don’t mind making a pasta and having it a few days later in the same week or something, but I’m sure as hell not cooking something in the portions NECESSARY to save a few dollars on fresh vegetables.

Fresh vegetables – not working for singles since Nineteen-dickity-seven

Let’s just forget for a second that I’m a single and hence, have a small bar fridge as my primary fridge. It’s not necessary for me to own anything bigger. Yes it’s got one of those awful plate ‘freezers’ as seen in your local hotel room. That thing couldn’t cool water to make ice cubes, let alone have enough space to store 2 months worth of nutritionally worthless food!

The problem goes much further than fresh vegetables however. It extends to things like pre-made pasta – Ravioli for example, very lazy and simple to make into a meal, priced at a convenient $5 for a single serve, or $7 for FOUR SERVES. OH GEE WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, BUY THE SINGLE SERVE? What are they thinking?!? MONEY THAT’S WHAT. Everywhere you look, item after item, priced for couples and families. Following the usual tradition of pricing things cheaper based on higher quantity purchased, the only people getting screwed are singles. Left out like dogs in a storm and if you can’t tell, I’m a bit over it.