As you’ve probably worked out by now, I like writing letters. Just the other day a work colleague was horrified to discover her 12 pack of Turkish Delights contained 11 chocolates and 1 sealed wrapper containing nothing. Once I’d seen they were writing an awful letter (“you should ensure that each wrapper actually contains a chocolate to contain possible customer disappointment” – urgh), I decided to take over:

Dear Cadbury,

I’ve often had a craving for the fine products produced by your company. Rain, hail or shine, I can always depend on a Cadbury chocolate to ease the pain.

In the fridge this week I knew I had some ‘Turkish Delights’ ready to go. I got through my whole working week without succumbing to a chocolate craving of any kind. Come Friday I was ready.

I opened the ‘Treat Size’ twelve pack of ‘Turkish Delights’  hastily and reached for the first of what had been my only inspiration to get through the week. As I sat there in front of a Simpsons episode in it’s fifteen-thousandth rerun, I brought the chocolate into view. I immediately knew something wasn’t quite right.

I want twelve, not eleven and bonus air god damn it!

I inspected it further… It was a totally empty, sealed wrapper with a helpful serving of O² thrown in! I was shocked. 1/12^th of my weekly chocolate had dissolved into thin air without the assistance from my mouth.

Enclosed in this here envelope (as you’ve probably already discovered) is the O² rich and sealed wrapper in question.

I eagerly await your response on this stressful matter!

Sincerely,

Sam Mortimer

Update: I received a $5 gift voucher with no witty response enclosed… disappointing.