Let’s be honest – hospitality is a terrible industry. It puts a vice-grip on your soul and slowly pulverises it into a fine sandy mist. The same kind of mist your friends see in-lieu of your physical being when you aren’t at a party, because you’re at work.

Not to mention, you barely get weekends or public holidays off and are generally interrogated when you try. That’s okay, because ‘weekends’ taken during the week are awesome too! Right?… RIGHT?!?! If that wasn’t bad enough, at said workplace you are confronted with happy people. Happy people, happy not to be working while you’re infact, working. And while work as a bar tender or waiter isn’t exactly strenuous hard labour, it can really help you to develop certain… interpersonal skills. Methods and ways to deal with people, all the while simultaneously providing an excellent public display of how not to act towards others.

Work is work though and it’s still awful.

Today’s Edition – Ordering

Don’t mumble, whisper or gesture at shit without speaking

When you’re ready for a refill, make everyones life easier and clearly state what you want the first damn time. I don’t want to have to ask you 15,000 times to repeat yourself because you are unwilling to open your mouth and do what you learned to do when you were a foot-high toddler. SPEAK AND YOU (may) BE SERVED. And use some manners while you’re at it you ungrateful pieces of shit.

Gesturing without speaking is a significant rudeness violation too, just throwing that out there.

GET OFF YOUR FUCKING MOBILE TELEPHONE

Your call is not that important that I should have to stand there and wait for you. If you are at a bar, you have time to ring them back.

“Can I have a beer thanks?”

WHAT. BEER. Then once you’ve made it over the impossible hurdle that’s required me to expel air through my vocal cords as I obviously require more information, WHAT GLASS SIZE. Do not come to a bar and ask me for a generic drink with zero specifics as to what you’d like. That really, really shits me. Do you just want me to just roll the dice I have here? One dye has “Pot/Schooner/Pint” plastered over it in varying patterns, the other has beers on it.

Oh you didn’t want a pot of stout? NO ONE WANTS A POT OF STOUT but that was the number you pulled, sorry. Maybe you should have told me what you wanted instead of making me roll the dice. Jerk.

“…and then? …and then? …and then?”

“Hi! Okay I’ll have a pot of (beer) thanks”…”Cool that’ll be (however much)”… “and a pot of (other beer) thanks”. FUCK YOU. When I utilise my legs and turn to acquire and present you your beverage, wouldn’t you think “oh, I’ll just ask him for all those beers at once”? Clearly not. The amount of times I’ve had to repeat steps for people with terrible ordering etiquette, if counted in dollars, would make me a thousandare at the very least.

This same kind of shit applies when different kinds of drinks are ordered out of sync too. Ie, a softdrink followed by beer, followed by softdrink. Again, FUCK YOU. I honestly didn’t think it was that difficult to order something logically, but obviously peoples brains are broken from the alcohol I’m serving them.

I guess I should have figured that out sooner.

Money

Okay so here’s the thing: You need to provide me with some kind of pittance out of your weeny little wallet/purse before I can give you your beverage. This isn’t a difficult concept. In the modern age of currency, you are paid in it and you exchange that pittance for various goods and services – beer is no different.

Everywhere I go I carry my wallet. Given that wallet, my money is readily available at an ATM via the use of a magical magnetic card. When I’m going out I am often prepared, with said finances readily available inside my wallet to speed in the delivery of alcoholic beverages to my hand. What I’m saying is DO NOT COME TO A BAR WITHOUT MONEY. No I will not wait for you to “just go to the ATM and get money out” as you should have already done it. No, I don’t have EFTPOS behind the bar for your $5 beer either.

GET MONEY OUT BEFORE YOU ORDER. IT IS NOT DIFFICULT. Oh and if I do have EFTPOS? Don’t you dare be thinking I’m going to let you use it on every single damn round your broke ass orders.

Money – Addendum

Given the widespread use of wallets and purses, and even handbags, I am constantly surprised and simultaneously irritated by people handing me scrunched or folded notes. These are a critical infraction. I will make you wait for your change while I un-munt your note so that it will sit with the rest in my cashdrawer. You scratch (have straight notes) my back, I scratch (give you your change faster) yours.

Oh, and those friends you’re with? STOP TALKING TO THEM AND GIVE ME MONEY. NOW.

That’s it for now. Until next time!