Nothing warms my heart more than a good love story… which is exactly what I’d be writing in a News Limited column if I was trying to suck the figurative phalluses of Prince William and Kate Middleton together. Maybe the dicks aren’t figurative, though I can’t be sure of that. What I am sure about is that I couldn’t be any less interested in a ‘royal’ love affair if I tried.

The fact Australia still technically falls under the British Monarchy really means bupkis. An out of context Eddie Murphy quote would ask, “BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?”. Sure, the Queen’s mug is still on our coins and occasionally we hear boring rumbles out of the various English palaces about the sordid affairs of various ‘royals’, but apart from that I don’t see anything they have done for me… well, ever.

Nevermind the fact most of our country is natural disaster declared at the moment, our Japanese and Kiwi friends have been crushed under earthquakes, and the Libyan’s have some crazy ass dictator, Prince William’s meaningless visit to Australia has taken the front page of various shitty newspapers basically the entire week and I’m over it.

I get it, you know. He’s a Prince next in line after his dad to the throne, in an institution dating back more years than anyone should count. The Royal Family, known for being at least partially incestuous in the past, also has the distinctly ‘Royal’ designation of having to wait for a dearly loved relative to croak before any succession can take place. In any other country with a Royal Family, in a tradition as old as beheading or good old fashioned stonings, people get killed so that successions can take place in a more timely manner.

Wouldn’t the world be alot more interesting if that took place in England? No. And you know why? Because the Royal Family is irrelevant in 2011. Particularly to Australia. The Queen could die tomorrow and only the British and some extremely loyal offshoot countries would be distressed. Charles on the other hand, while depressed at his mothers death would be more than happy to make the ‘irresistible’ Camilla Parker Bowles Queen. Can you imagine her mug on our coins?

That prospect alone would probably be enough to reignite the whole “republic” debate.

Being born as a Royal has to be the most unfortunate designation possible. A life doomed with having to live through old fashioned ‘formalities’ – grow up being taught to live ‘formally’, waiting for a relative to die, and endless public appearances including exciting tasks such as handshaking, public speaking and plaque unveilings. Must make being a Royal absolutely riveting. Woo hoo.

All of this, just for a free ride off the British tax dollar? I’d rather off myself. The British public have probably only put up with it because it’s been the “right thing to do” for a couple of hundred years and they don’t know how to break out of it.

Look at him. Look at how bored he looks. Imagine this, but for your entire life.

Prince William, while most definitely having a better taste in woman than his old man (the dearly departed Diana not withstanding), has mostly gone unnoticed by, well, just about everyone for the last twenty-odd years. Doing any meaningful charity work has kind of taken a backseat in the Royal lineage since Diana’s passing. Meanwhile, one of her sons has visited this week to shake hands with a few people that have lost everything. Great, but it hasn’t really done anything but allow the media to create a storm of coverage, far more boring than the storms that have actually taken place.

Recon he brought some money? Donated some of that glorious British Pound to get the flooded farmers back on track, or to help repair Christchurch? No (as far as I’ve been reading). Instead there’s been some dick waving and needlessly fanatical Australian’s taking photos of the Prince in some decimated area, including the requisite front page coverage with headlines telling everyone he really cares and that he’s a nice guy. Please. What a waste of time.

Sure, maybe he is a really nice guy, but you’ll forgive me if I don’t really call a few handshakes in disaster areas a “meaningful” response to our plight from our friends in the Royal Family.

He’d have to be real fucking nice to make someone marry into the Royal Family.

So by the end of his visit we’ve had said handshakes and photos taken as the official ‘we care’ face from our friends in the United Kingdom, a million ‘heart-warming’ articles written, and not a single dollar to help anyone. Did we foot the bill for anything during his visit? I’d like to hope not. Oh and yay, two attractive young people are getting married. How wonderful. Maybe they should redirect some of their lavish wedding funds towards disaster relief.

No? Didn’t think so.