The scene is set. The Allies Rebel Alliance have managed to procure the Death Star plans at the expense of hundreds of no-name Storm Troopers. They’re fucking dead, and Churchill Luke Skywalker and co. are again slightly victorious in countering the drive of the SS Imperials. I think Hitler the Emperor had the right idea in building a gigantic stainless-steel planet-destroyer in space – it’s just a pity no one more competent was there to help them with their execution. So scared were the faceless SS troops Imperials that no one questioned the plans when a “small thermal exhaust port” tunnelled straight into the core of the structure. Maybe they needed the money? Maybe they didn’t want to end up half-strangled in the conference room? No one can know for sure.

I know Himmler Vader and the Nazis Empire loved hiding shit underground but let’s face it, no one said anything to George Lucas when he suggested Jar Jar Binks did they? Tenuous parallels to events of the second World War aside – were the subsequent events of Star Wars confirmed to have taken place at the hands of the Rebel Alliance, or were they merely suspected of it? I mean, you weren’t there were you? I wasn’t there. I saw film evidence of what happened, just like you. On that basis alone the evidence is pretty damning, but how do we know that what we saw wasn’t just a Rebel Alliance propaganda film?


“I’ve made a huge mistake” – allegedly uttered by George “Jar Jar” Lucas shortly after this photo was taken.

How can we know for certain that the Rebel’s did the trench run and heard, “Cover me Porkins!” over radio transmission? We can’t. That’s why the Imperials unfortunate setback should be referred to as having been allegedly carried out, by Luke Skywalker and the Rebels, until Vader can produce his own version of events.

Let’s face it – it’s 2013. I can’t afford to walk the plank over a Sarlacc pit of false accusation anymore! There’s a difference between saying, “Luke fucking did it. He destroyed the Death Star.”, and “Luke allegedly fired a missile down the exhaust port, resulting in the destruction of the Death Star”. The word ‘allegedly’ could save me millions in libel suits, not to mention a thousand years of being digested! Darth Vader can breath deeply all he wants: Luke’s innocent until proven guilty god damn it.

‘Allegedly’ has likely saved more kinds of people and organizations from getting sued than I could possibly imagine. And it’s that magic word that makes me not want to do a law degree all the more.

Well, what if I allege that Luke Skywalker actually stole the T-16 he used to kill Womp Rats with back on Tatooine? What if he allegedly got caught on the scene after he crashed the fucking thing in a drunken mess? Do you know how that would entirely change his life? He wouldn’t have met Obi Wan. He wouldn’t have trekked to Alderann to ultimately find a giant steel ball and Princess Leia, amongst thousands of Storm Troopers and a scuba diver in a black helmet. The Rebel Alliance are fucking dead – Hitler the Emperor wins.

I know I know, it’s not entirely the same film (arguably very similar though…). I just couldn’t stop thinking about his excellent delivery of that line.

Apart from subtext of don’t drink and fly because everyone might die – what I’m saying is that the use of the A-word in question often becomes as dubious and obnoxious as my comparison of a fictional story to a considerably more serious World War. You must admit there are some striking parallels there at least.

At any rate, A New Hope would only be like fifteen-minutes long if World War II hadn’t happened. George Lucas could have turned it into a court-procedural around the 1997 Special Edition and subsequent abortive home video releases… but I digress; anything’s possible now in that universe.

The absurdity of ‘allegedly’ is reaching new and more horrific bounds everyday, just read this post. In my eyes, the word ‘alleged’ should be thrown out the window if there’s irrefutable proof of an activity having taken place. Eye witnesses, HD video footage, what have you; multiple confirmations. Sure, there’s a legal process to follow in a lot of situations and I accept that – but the absurdity of telling me evidence I’m looking at right now on a television replay is “alleged”, when the proof is literally right in-front of me, simply insults my intelligence. Substitutes like ‘reportedly’, ‘by all accounts’ or ‘supposedly’ are all adequate in a journalistic aspect because to me the word “allegedly” usually strongly implies criminal activity – authored by someone afraid of getting sued for defamation.

George Lucas had a chance not to shit on his legacy and he blew it to smithereens like the Death Star he once somewhat wrote about; before on-selling the tortured foetus to Micky Mouse. That’s not defamation – it’s a cold hard fact. In a tragic story of too much money and too many yes-men, he shat on his own vision with repeated revisions that changed the original intent and message of his own films, one CGI Jabba at a time, without fully realising the impact of each seemingly inconsequential change.

And then he created Jar Jar. I assure you, there’s no allegation in that.

“…and more bags of cocaine. This is the promise of the Tree of Life”.

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