From the earliest of time existential, human societies have thrived from a continuing series of lessons. A never ending flow of skills and knowledge, improved and passed on with each generation. In fact, the most simple and primal of these lessons begin from the very first day of your expulsion onto this Earth – from hand to mouth, your newborn brain quickly finds itself absorbing a powerful lesson: the breast really is best.

Badly manufactured similes aside, all humans eventually learn some values. It doesn’t matter if they’re the irrational ramblings of a wealthy relative, or the absorbed ideals of people merely existing within a cities poorest area – all of us learn how to deal with others, and how we should be behaving amongst a group of peers. Sure, some of you are terrible and despicable people who should be banished to the hellfires of Babylon forever – but who am I to pick and choose? Judge not lest ye be judged. The scale of right to wrong is weighted differently in the mind of every individual. Though I think we can all agree, if you’re willing to call council a bunch of times over an extremely minor neighborhood parking issue, you’re probably not very neighbourly; you shitstain.

2839335-morgan_freeman_wallpaper_4_normalA voice of life.

“You may also find that people can simply drop you like a hat and seemingly write-off years over nothing, but that just says more about them than you, doesn’t it…,” you cry to yourself, as you paddle down the River of Crushing Despair in your Kleenex Canoe (Yes, the river is tears. Your tears.) That lesson of risk is but one of life’s more complex; but it stands to reason that most people share a basic aspiration: to have nice things – tangible or otherwise. Why is it then, that so many people make it this far in life just to shit on the faces of others? The act of ‘having nice things’ goes further than the initial steps you need to take in acquisition of the aforementioned. Sure, having the money and the place to put them seem like the most obvious points here, but the journey is so much longer still.

You’ll need skills from your very first years on Earth. You need to be able to taste the thing. Feel the thing. As light reflects and shines back at you, you will see the colours of the thing; the shapes. Now, ignore all the unintended puns and take this fisting of early life lessons! Put them all in the mixing bowl of existence you punks; add a healthy pinch of style, and with that a small dose of luck… then BAM – you’ve got yourself A NICE THING! I’m feng shui’ing all over this paragraph.

slide_348565_3713168_freeTHE voice of life.

Just like the gigantic crack snaking it’s way across the previously shiny iPhone 6 your clumsy ass has already dropped on it’s face, I have similarly identified a flaw in the human condition. The “new” bubble – the bubble of time you experience when you just get something new, and desperately want to keep it that way as long as possible – does not seem to extend towards other people’s things. Infact, as far as I can tell, almost no fucks are given with regards to anyone else’s things. No one has stolen anything off me before As ‘simple’ seems to be the lesson today, a harsh reality has revealed itself in the simplest of ways: through your chair. That’s right. A myriad of mixed analogies and average similes has all come down to this profoundly short statement: the chair you are sitting on might be someone else’s ‘nice thing’. Now think about that, when you don’t push it back in as you leave.

So far the only thing I’ve had to dodge on the River of Crushing Despair has been your carelessly disregarded ass-shelf, rusting away in the salty waters. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I see the same ho chairs. I don’t entirely know what has lead to this discovery – it could be a bit of my own observational OCD, or a simple hatred for people developed through work in the hospitality industry.

Frankly I don’t give a shit, just push your chair in or you will be the reason why we can’t have nice things.

FingerThe voice of reason.