In a world burning bright with faces lit up by the ambient glow of smartphone screens, consuming an endless stream of content while dismissing anyone literally in-front of them, humans are in a constant battle to relate with others. Meeting with strangers and having a conversation about the happenings of life is now just as hard as being facetious, yet understandable, in black and white text on the internet.

Here’s a simple example of facetiousness that doesn’t even need the luxury of italics: “I impulse bought a $795,000 investment property on the Gold Coast while on parliamentary business.” Casting aside the now-standard dose of breathtaking arrogance displayed by many Australian politicians, it was Sussan Ley’s evolutionary inability to relate to the Average Joe, after climbing the stairway to entitlement heaven, that saw her resign from the front bench. Eventually.

Pollies from both sides of the political spectrum are now taking turns under the investigative journalism microscope in the wake of the Ley scandal. Need I point out the sweet irony in elected officials paying back public money, at a time when some of Australia’s most vulnerable are being targeted and told to pay back artificial debts plucked out of thin air by a dodgy computer algorithm.

Thankfully however, I’ve found a foolproof solution to all of the relating-related woes politicians seem to keep finding themselves in. And you can use it to relate with others too!

FADE IN: INT. CAFE – DAY

SAM is sitting in a local cafe watching the world go by, stopping occasionally to sip his almond milk, quarter-strength, extra hot Latte that he’s sent back twice already for not being hot or disgusting enough.

Suddenly his phone rings. SAM answers.

SAM
(into phone without hesitation)
I will find you, and I will kill you.

SAM slams the phone down, and almost immediately gunshots hurtles toward him from an unknown location! SAM’s coffee takes a hit, so he takes cover under a table.

SAM
Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…

SAM sticks his head up to see where the shots are coming from. It’s DARTH VADER and the IMPERIAL FORCES!

DARTH VADER
Sam, I am your father!

IMPERIAL OFFICER
You rebel scum.

SAM looks bored and infuriated.

SAM
I’ll be back.

SAM ducks down and pulls out his mobile phone – it’s a Samsung Note 7! He switches the device on.

SAM
(very bored now)
Say “hello” to my little friend.

SAM lobs the S7 grenade at DARTH VADER, who deflects it with his lightsaber toward a speeding bus driving past at 50 miles per hour!

KEANU REEVES
Woah.

Problems with the number of negatively geared properties in your portfolio? Poll figures slipping? Just drop some lines from all your favorite movies, TV shows and songs. Nothing appeals to the average punter faster than a butchered recital of things other people know!

Right now, politicians have the relatability of a radio station that dares to play KC and The Sunshine Band’s “Celebration” every morning at 6am – a time when no one can celebrate good times. Come on.

The missing link to the fast-track of popularity amongst one’s constituents is clearly the ability to recite pop culture verbatim. When my own brain activity declines, and descends temporarily into the depths of inactivity only experienced by today’s viciously incompetent millennials, I too tap the well. Quotes from bad rap songs and a multitude of contextual golden-era Simpsons lines have been executed time and time again to reboot the mind in otherwise soul-sucking workplaces going back nigh on ten years.

Politicians need to channel that ability to stir up and regurgitate pleasant memories of things they didn’t do or write, in order to shift the focus away from the kinds of inane bullshit they do carry-out, day in day out. Quotes are something the whole electorate can understand, so why not expand on the demeaning three-word slogans with recitals of entire scenes?

You see, quoting pop culture to the point of nausea is just like covering a song – it’s mostly devoid of an original rendition’s magic. And having a lack of magic is something the current crop of politicians can surely relate to.


You can follow my relatively more professional pursuit of journalism over at Hit The Fan

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