The pace is furious as Bowser storms his way to the front of the pack on Rainbow Road. With Lucky-Last-Luigi suitably forgotten in eighth and surrounded by other neglected Nintendo side characters, it’s up to Mario and his beloved Princess Peach to save the day.
Random item boxes are rapidly approaching as the dynamic ‘will-they, won’t-they’ duo zoom toward a downhill stretch. They exchange glances, inching ever closer as their own neon likenesses flash overhead. The endless catchy beats of 1990s sampled techno pump on as Mario decides to make a move.
This is it – he powerslides toward the boxes and pulls ahead of the Princess, hoping a homing Red Shell will finally crack Bowser, and her. But disaster strikes as Mario collides with the box – it’s a fake, and he’s sent flying.
His gamble sent him in a direction he never dreamed possible: straight up, then down on the Princess. Their collision flings them well out of G-Rated bounds – into a bloody smear on the rainbow.
The act of living involves driving over a series of speed bump littered milestones – your negotiations with which can send you off in all kinds of new and exciting directions.
Stirred up memories of Mario Kart 64 aside; life is like milking an almond, drawing blood from a
stone rainbow road, or another of an endless list of similes relating to tackling extraordinarily difficult tasks.
Almonds don’t have teets, and neither do soybeans or rainbow roads, but I digress.
Just like driving on the aforementioned road, the ups and downs of life are punctuated with neon memories of colourful events, waiting to fall off the wall as if they were stuck up with a 3M Command hook that swore it wouldn’t take any paint off on it’s way down.
The internet itself is a hungry, pouting infant whose incessant drive for new information is never ending, and there’s a quiet expectation around milestone happenings in peoples lives. This powerful combination means getting married, graduating higher education, and the birthing of your demon-spawn are all amongst an extensive list of social media-worthy life events, and the editorial power of curation is in your hands.
Peak and post.
As you reach one of these peaks, post, and begin the downhill slog into the next row of random item boxes on your rainbow road, at some point you inevitably look back to see a rapidly approaching Blue Shell of reminiscence – it’s the afterglow of your event.
I’ve found that when nothing’s happening in the present, people tend to dredge up semi-recent pleasant events publically, and repress the dire past privately. We are but emotional creatures after all. And with basically all of life’s major events now, digital photography means you probably have an endless ream of snaps ready to deploy to your social media platforms adorned with painful captions.
As the weeks tick on past your D-Day, posts about anything major that happened to you that one time mean less and less to everyone else, on a sliding scale into nothingness.
Your children, while cute, are mostly irrelevant – no one cares about them sleeping through the night for the first time. Your wedding, while clearly an explosion of feels and family, is mostly irrelevant – especially if one wasn’t invited. Your holiday, while relatively relaxing for you, is mostly stressful for the cubicle bound. Basically, if your thing has a hashtag it has already jumped the shark.
The key to all good things in not only real life, but your online life as well, is moderation.
Think of it like this: you are Bowser, and you have kidnapped the Princess – only this time Mario is totally sick of that bitch and not coming, because you’ve spent an arbitrary amount of time telling everyone how they spent some time smashing into each other on Rainbow Road.
Maybe its time to try looking for a new random item box.