In the post-apocalyptic world of 2018 – where the hangover of a calamitous and treacherously difficult 2017 continues to pound away unabated; in a reality punctuated by embarrassing ‘world’ leaders both domestic and abroad – I have had a realisation of material importance delivered to me by a world-leading platform of procrastination: Netflix.

Life is an uphill climb, and a challenge of varying scale – depending on where you were popped out on the heatmap of prosperity. Why isolate yourself, procrasti-clean, or submit to an extended chill-free Netflix session in an effort to avoid your oft-crippling life obligations, when now – for just four easy payments of $49.95 – you too can employ my revolutionary method of evaluating the shitheels and shitfests that dwell within your otherwise pitiful existence!

That’s right friends – in a world that continues to degrade into an increasingly poorer reality for many, on a range of fronts, I’ve discovered a full-proof method to tip the metaphorical seesaw of time back in our direction: The Five-Minute Test™. 

Tell that fast-moving second-hand to go fuck itself, because with my ingenious method of living, you’ll finally be empowered with the tools to smash out the front of any life-clock, and forcibly wind back the time you wasted on the following exploits: other humans, expensive products made by humans, entertainment produced for humans, plans made to expend lifeforce with humans, and workplaces flooded with humans.

I mean, I suppose workplaces become a pyramid scheme when the Venn diagram starts leaning heavily in an employers direction – ie, poor workplace conditions, time, mental and general health expenditure vs. under-stated and illegal financial remuneration, but I digress.

Humans are always the problem, and The Five-Minute Test™ is the solution.

In-lieu of the cash payment outlined previously, here is a quick summary of my scheme:

Steps to performing The Five-Minute Test™: 

1. Perform an activity. (ie, meet a human, watch a new television show, start a new job)

2. Set a timer for five minutes.

3. Start said timer.

4. Continue activity until the timer expires, then reevaluate.

The ubiquitous nature of the internet means we’re becoming increasingly time-poor as we’re overwhelmed with all kinds of information to consume – and that’s what makes this test so invaluable. I figure, because the test is so important in assessing a new series or movie on your favourite flavour of streaming service, are there any reasons it shouldn’t also apply to the scenarios, schemes and products which fill every moment of our days? No.

In the case of applying it to humans – we are for the most part, incredibly selfish – so why not take advantage of the test and save ourselves swathes of time and effort in wiping garbage from our local existence? Figuratively speaking of course.

Working to such a short test time-frame would ensure humans are at their best all the time; treating others as they wish to be treated, and so on. The clock runs out? See you later. And it’s not the kind of thing you can just pass once then turn into a shitheel almost immediately after, because the timer just keeps restarting. It would be a world of five-minute extensions.

The scope of applications for this test is endless, and any tendency to hang on to dead weight would be lifted in any execution. Now that’s a liberating 2018 I could set my watch to.