I Hate Fads: Fake Tan Edition

As time passes by and we get just that one step closer to death, one thing is certain – increased, useful technological developments that make life easier for us than it was for our ancestors. Generally these modern conveniences just mean we save a bit of time.

Need to get somewhere in a hurry? No longer must you plan three months in advance and make a treacherous journey that may very well end in your death! You just take your car on a fresh clear path, straight to McDonalds or equivalent fast food chain store to order food that takes mere moments to be delivered into your hands.

And while this setup is long winded, the point is, modern conveniences have made people really lazy. I’ve talked about our “NOW NOW NOW!” society before and spray tans are a prime example. No longer must you spend hours in the harmful UV rays to get an awesome (NATURAL) tan, you can just go buy a tan that lasts for a few days every week! Nevermind the few days where it looks like you’ve been attacked with acid as it washes off.

I honestly can’t see anything redeeming about them. Let’s talk negatives (because I’m good at that, right?):

  • You have to pay for it – Yes, multiply your “cheap spray tan” times the number of occasions in the year you’ve gone to get one and see how cheap it is then.
  • They look horrible:
  1. In the immediate time after spray (bonus points for working straight after and having it leave week long drip marks on your limbs)
  2. After the first shower
  3. During the one or two days where they aren’t blotchy
  4. In the days as they progressively get washed off

And here’s at least a reason why they look so bad – YOU ARE ALL CHOOSING THE WRONG COLOUR. It’s as if some sort of spray tan god appears to some people like Princess Leia appears to Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars.

Through the streaming tears of self-image problems wafting down your face, comes a vision. A creepy ghost telling you the right colour to pick. Which you promptly ignore for a long journey to Cloud City to save Han and Leia… er, to pick the darkest one.

I’ve seen so many awful spray tans amongst people I know. And while I’d love to post pictures of said people that honestly think they look really hot with them, I’d likely be put out to pasture. Then there’d be no more updates on shit I hate that no one else really cares about. But I digress;

“Amy you must go to the Degobah sys… shit wrong movie. You must go to the spray tanning salon… and you must choose… the dark side.”

I only know one exception to spray tanning, and they already know they are exempt from this call-out. It actually suits them 100% and you wouldn’t even know they have one.

For everyone else, why is it that your natural skin complexion is such a problem in the first place? Why try and hide the fact you are pasty and white? Maybe it suits you for god sake.

I wish I had a dollar for every person I’ve seen with an extremely inappropriate colour tone because I’d be a fucking hundred-are.

I’m not really sure what happened between 2008 and today, but whatever it was wasn’t positive. Which teeny-mag started pushing out fake tan samples and hair bleach? Sure, you can keep on paying for a splotchy, inappropriately coloured, disgusting covering for your skin that gets applied as someone gets to see you mostly naked, or you can just go to the beach. Ever consider that?


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