A Letter to my Local Shopping Center

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to you today in regards to a certain ongoing predicament at my local shopping centre, owned by a conglomerate of your respective partners.

I roll up to your fine, primarily bogan-serving establishment of convenient yet slightly run down retail stores – generally on the same day each week but not necessarily.

I enter the small selection of stores, surveying the mediocre range (particularly in your primary and only supermarket) and make appropriate and inappropriate purchases (if the poor range and stock levels allow) while I’m there. At this point you may be asking, “why do you continue to shop with us if there are alternatives?” and the answer is simple – I am utterly lazy. I frequent your shopping centre merely because there is a significant time and distance differential in the negative going somewhere else.

It’s all about averages in time and distance and weighing up the crappyness of each shopping centre, but I digress;

Shopping options… generally passed by when going to this particular location.

Once all is said and done, I gather my things in one of the thoughtfully provided trolleys and proceed back to my parked vehicle. Now this is where I’d like to raise multiple points of contention:

  • About six months ago at the supermarket, were two differing sizes of trolley – one for a full sized family and soccer mum with young child(s) in tow, and one for the bachelor/bachelorette with a much smaller footprint and no child seat. This was a great addition I thought, until you went with the European “gold coin-deposit before you can use” slots on the small trolleys only. Yes I know you get the coin back, but I never carry any gold coins!  It’s 2011, and we’re all about the plastic these days. Maybe if you put an EFTPOS slot on it or something I’d do it, but I imagine that would be cost prohibitive.

Furthermore, why would I stuff around with a coin deposit slot when I can just go for the free, bigger trolley right next to it with no coin slot?

This Euro bullshit isn’t going to work on me.

Were you trying to suck me in by allowing me to use them without a major ass pain for a few months before bait and switching with the stupid coin locks? Or did you just figure out that the gold coin return system wouldn’t be accepted by the primarily bogan demographic catered to by your centre, if you used them on regular mum/family trolleys? You can probably answer all of these questions for me.

  • The design of your carpark sucks. Allow me to demonstrate with an illustration:

Do you see a problem with this from the outset (apart from the questionable renderings of MS Paint)? OVER HALF THE PARKS CAN’T GET QUICK ACCESS TO A TROLLEY RETURN. And you know what else? There are concrete raised sections preventing you from easily walking through empty spaces to return it to an appropriate spot.

Do you know what that then means? I’m assuming you do as it’s, you know, your centre and everything but I’m going to spell out out for you specifically: If you park in the center lot of parks, you have to either walk the trolley all the way back to the shops, or all the way around a concrete raised section. This distance could be upwards of 150m. With an empty trolley. When I’m ready to go home.

I’m a lazy bachelor. I don’t want to walk anywhere, that’s why I have a car!

Furthermore, you barely ever catch a break where you can fit the trolley between cars and lean it against a support post or something because the damn parks are so cramped. But I probably wouldn’t have that problem if I didn’t need a gold coin to access a bachelor sized trolley, which would fit in the aforementioned car spaces. Need I point out again that I am god damn lazy and don’t want the extra exercise.

And finally;

  • In the midst of trying to find somewhere to put the god damn trolley, at least once a month I can expect to be stalked by a salesman trying to peddle me stupid “wash less” car polishing products at super inflated prices! Are you kidding me!?!? I’m not a sucker and would literally never buy this shit. Not to mention that the products are dubious in quality and in “won’t take off your paint” ratings.

All I want is to be able to go to a shop near my house, easily use an appropriately sized trolley, and have somewhere convenient to return the thing when I’m finished with it! I don’t want the added bonus of physical excercise and stalker salesman to awkwardly escape from when I’m just trying to do the damn shopping!

Actually, you know what? I’m out.

Yours sincerely,

Sam M

4 thoughts on “A Letter to my Local Shopping Center

  1. Because regardless of the shitty carpark at K-Mart, it will never be as awful as the carpark at Samford. Actually, I honestly thought your rant would be about Samford when I read the title.

    Let’s not forget to mention the whole segregated fast food section next to K-Mart, where you have to do a badly-signaled U turn just to get in to it. I avoid K-Mart at all costs.


      1. you should totally boycott! what happened to the good ol’ boycott anyway, you don’t see nearly enough of them these days…


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